Wednesday, November 28, 2012

An apple a day...

My mom told me I need to eat more fruits and veggies, so I was like "yo bitch, I ate this entire apple".

Seeds, core, shit I will eat it all. I even pulled it out of the bathroom trash can after my dad threw it away. I don't mind little toilet paper bits or some hair, I love apples. What!?

Friday, November 16, 2012

Fuck Vomit

Man, yesterday was the worst! Picture this: Me, chugging chocolate milk, jumping on the couch when out of nowhere, BAM! Chocolate milk chunks come flying out of my mouth and nose all over the couch. I about shit my pants (which probably would have smelled better). That has never happened before. I literally broke into tears and went running for mom who get this, did not want to hug me! Who gives a shit that I am covered in brown vomit, did she not just see what the fuck happened?!?! I am almost traumatized lady!
I started to feel a little better, I wasn't all that hungry so mom put me down for an early nap after one of the most extensive baths I have ever taken. So, yea, here I am asleep for maybe 20 minutes and BAM! it happens again. This time less chocolate milk and more bile. And you guessed it, another bath.

My daily conclusion: Fuck vomit, fuck sickness, fuck the flu and fuck me I am sick.
p.s. I wish I barfed rainbows like this magic clown.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The new baby super-food

I am not interested in all the organic, vegan, healthy shmelthy crap doctors are trying to sell these days. Lets get real here... Give me the good stuff. I want Bacon!
There is nothing worse then sitting at the breakfast table (or should I say in front of the breakfast TV) and watching my parents glazed over faces as they watch shitty television and shove the most delicious looking food into their mouths. Bacon, eggs, french toast and other sugary fatty delights while I am sat in a, sticky with last nights dinner, plastic chair and given a banana and a pile of green goo otherwise known as green bean baby food. First of all, fuck green beans and secondly, who the fuck eats green beans for breakfast? I might if I got some maple syrup to dip them in, but no. "Give me the bacon, mom!" is what I want to shout every Sunday morning.
But now, I don't need to because finally, I have found a way to get my bacon intake. Bacon baby food!!! The new super-food to babies who love breakfast. Every bottle includes four servings of bacon, FOUR!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

$60 baby shoes?!

Mom seems to think I desperately NEED these. Like my feet will shrivel up and fall off if I don't have these $60 shoes. Yes, that's right, folks, you heard me correctly sixty as six zero for a pair of shoes I will wear for, oh I'd say about a month or so.My mom has lost her shit and if she buys me these shoes I will throw one in the toilet and smile at her, just to watch her reaction.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Tuesday is now Product Review Day

I have decided that Tuesdays suck, but they don't suck so bad when I think about my upcoming toy review. Today I will be reviewing Fisher Price Roll-a-Rounds Swirlin Surprise Gumballs. Quite the mouthful, this one. First of all can I please apologize for the above picture, it is all I could find on line. All I have to say  is, Jesus Christ, if I look that ugly playing with this toy, please someone kill me! Uggh, is that even a real baby? Tell me he is photo-shopped or something. Seriously, the shape of his head is freaking me out it reminds me of an eggplant. A big thumbs down to the Fisher Prices advertising/marketing team that came up with this one. "you're fired" whilst said in my best Donald Trump voice. Hahahaaha. My apologies, I digress. Back to the review...

Holy dirty diaper I love this piece of plastic, so much in fact that not only do I have one at daycare but I convinced mom to purchase one for my house too!! Some call me spoiled, I call it knowing how to get what I want, and bitch I want two of my favorite toys.

So, basically it's a gumball machine. You put the balls in the top, press the lever, some music plays and out shoot the balls. Sounds lame, but damn I can hardly stand my excitement when I push the little blue lever and hear that click... it is pure music to my ears (literally it is music to my ears) because once I push the handle down, click, and out pops a ball and the music starts. OH MY GOD!! I love it! My adrenaline immediately  starts pumping and I slam my hand down on that little blue lever over and over and over as hard as I can, shooting those balls out, woooweeee. This toy get 5 stars, and an extra bonus because the balls are made out of this insanely hard plastic that make for some extraordinary weapons against mom, dad and those two little dogs. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

my own social experiment

My mom read me an article (seen here) about a famous musician, Joshua Bell, who stood in a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin. The same musician who 2 days before was performing at a sold out at a theater in Boston with seats averaging $100 a pop. Turns out his playing was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context.

After hearing this story, I thought to myself 'I should do a social experiment of my own'. I will dress in rags and live a day as a vagrant. I was nervous at first, how would people treat me? I had to do this, and tonight was the night!

With quite the disheveled look, I went out for a night on the town. I ended up at Sunken Ship Tattoo Shop in Everett where I my experiment took a turn I could not even begin to expect...
They freaking loved me! Apparently everyone thinks a bum baby is soooo adorable! What the fuck? Are you kidding me? I never anticipated this kind of reaction, and quite frankly I was slightly offended. However, this was not my first stop and I refused to break character. I kept hitting the bottle all night until I was stumbling around like a maniac, I shit my pants and at one point a stranger gave me candy so I pretended it was bath salts and bit my mom. 

All I have to say is this experiment really taught me a lot about myself and how open and caring the citizens of Everett really are. Ending completely different then I imagined, it was all worth it. And in the end, my conclusion to this little experiment... BITCHES LOVE HOBOS!! 

Also, for the record the original article about Joshua Bell does state that the one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. That's what I thought mutha fuckas. Us kids, are made about to be such dimwits... well how you like me now? us babies know whats up with the arts and culture of today, we just have a hard time articulating, shiiiit. 

This is dog.

I said her name, and now my mom thinks I am some kind of baby fucking genius. "dog dog dog" with each new "dog" my mom screams louder. So, I point at dog and say "dog", seriously my mom loses her shit. "He knows what a dog is" she screams at dad who is as equally amazed. My parents are such simple creatures.
Okay mom, it's not that damn exciting, I know you've had two of theses stinky hairy barking bitches since before I even existed. So yes, big surprise, I know what a fucking dog is.